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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  January 23, 2013 1:00am-1:30am PST

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last week a new york city imagine taking a dump between to subway cars flipped and fell to his death as the train started moving. when you got tot go you have too but this guy went too soon. i'm guessing he was on the numbr 2 train. they found his underwear on the tracks and tracks in his underwear. i a tragedy like this to appreciate al rocker's decision to -- his pants. even the coroner showed up and said what died in here? two german tourists said that's the hottest thing they've ever seen. oh good-bye subway -- rest in
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feces. that's our show. see you soon but not too soon. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> how are you doing, sir? >> you are the worst undercover cop i have ever seen. are you volunteering. >> community service. >> is that how you get your audience? are you montley landscaping ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers and applause]
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>> jon: hey, everybody. welcome to "the daily show." my name is jon stewart. good one tonight. great one tonight. jennifer lopez is joining us tonight. first time on the program. [cheers and applause] a singer of note suggests a powerful controversy out of washington tonight. >> beyonce may have lip synced the national anthem. this has never happened before where it was pretaped. >> jon: it's worse than that. it may not have been bon yeah at all but noted mantei te'o prankster ronaiah tuiasosopo. tuiasosopo. say it didn't tru'e. [ laughter ] maybe beyonce lip synced who gives a (bleep). she's a phenomenal singer.
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did you see clarkson, brought game! ♪ great god our king >> jon: boom! [cheers and applause] woman has game! either way it's still better than what we would have had if romney won. ♪ from sea to shining sea yeah ♪ [ laughter ] >> jon: nailed it. [ laughter ] it was all part and parcel of the pomp and circumstance of president barack obama'sel second inauguration. -- obama's second inauguration. yesterday's events had everything a new inaug-ofile would love. the large crowds, the swearing in, the walking, the waving, a
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fairytale style ball and the grandest of american traditions the peaceful transfer. today's celebrated barack obama breakout star was none other that charles schumer who hosted the fest activities. he was able to enhance the rit yiment with shah bat service announcements. >> the theme of this year's inaugural is faith in america's future. >> jon: speaking of faith, i believe we should at this time thank cantor lonestein's lovely wife, hannah, for the delicious treats awaiting us downstairs. [ laughter ] following the ser -- [ laughter ] but of course inauguration day isn't all ceremony. at its center is the president's
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speech where he articulates the vision of governance in the next four years. the early reviews. >> marvelous speech brave and bold. >> historic speech. >> audacious speech. >> a huge proposal for america. >> jon: it's a call to action like j.f.k.'s ask not what your country to k- do for you or fdr, the only thing we have to fear is fear itself or jimmy carter's somewhat inexplicable "she's a brickhouse she's mighty mighty." [ laughter ] true it was an inaugural speech before you it was -- [ laughter ] let's listen to barack obama. >> fidel at this to our founding principles requires new responses to new challenges. now more than ever we must do these things together. as one nation and one people. >> jon: yes, barack obama, relief from the burden of
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seeking elections dares to suggest publicly that a government by the people, for the people and of the people could be at times helpful to those people. radical mother (bleep). [ laughter ] then he threw down the mic i'm out, bitch! [ laughter ] before i go of mr. president, what have we done together. >> we learned that no union survived on liberty and equality could survive half truths. >> jon: together we ended slavery. >> we resolved that a great nation must care for the vulnerable. >> jon: together we gave dignity to our elderly and our poor. >> we determined that a md yearn economy requires railroads and highways. >> jon: together we built the jersey turnpike. i looked it's not the same level, then they created the
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ex-pass. not everybody got one. if you are going from see caucus to bordentown, what are you going to do? take the garden state? it's absurd. it's big is what i'm saying. we ended slavery and built roading to. mr. president, what would you have us do next? >> we will respond to the threat of climate change. some may deny the overwhelmingly judgment of science but none can avoid the devastating impact of the fires, crippling drought and more powerful storms. >> jon: oh (bleep). [ laughter ] we don't need a president we need the last air vendor. but perhaps the line that got the most attention in obama's speech was this one. >> we, the people, declared today that -- declare today that the most evident of truths that all of russ created equal is the
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star that guides us still. just as it guided our forbearers through seneca falls and the selma and stonewall. >> jon: i believe it's the first time a president has name checked a gay bar at his inauguration. other than ruther ford b. hayes talking about work teg loaded musket. put some pants on hayes. so now to the react. the network will have to talk about it in terms of coverage msnbc. >> massive crowd in washington today. >> jon: fox. >> much smaller crowd than four years ago. [ laughter ] >> jon: that's it. it's woodstock. it's woodstockst 99. seizing the moment. >> just a note on what you saw
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the first lady wearing. we're told it's a thom brown coat and dress. >> custom made. >> it could be upwards of $3,000. >> i think the tragedy is that she has to give that outfit away to the national archives. >> jon: so you've just (bleep) given up s. that what you are telling us. the fashion is talks about the -- >> the most powerful moment in that speech among many was when he mentioned the word stonewall. >> what are you talking about stonewall. >> stonewall rights the flashpoint of gay rights movement. >> it's a barroom brawl in greenwich village in 1969. does it belong in the presidential inaugural. >> jon: from the losing side of history i'm pat buchanan. [ laughter ] let's laugh it up, ladies and gentlemen with closing
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arguments. >> i was amazed at beautifully he articulated a progressive vision of america. >> the most partisan and divisive inaugural address. >> do you know who the designer was on that? >> i do, anderson. >> all that rhetorical affects that he has the poetry. >> it was not really poetry it was prose. >> can you tell me about the gown. hi, ann. this is -- this is remarkable that four years later she would choose jason wu again. [ laughter ] >> jon: oh, it's remarkable all right. once again is what is more remarkable to me is how even when articulating his most liberal ideal how different actual barack obama is from the bizarro boogieman empty chair obama who lives only in the minds of his opponents. >> president obama who is an avowed secularist. >> going after the guns. >> taking away guns.
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attacking christians who believe in gun and god. >> obama is at war with all religion in any public place, any public square any public school. >> jon: first of all it's nice to know that roy rogers wife is still out there. [ laughter ] second of all, how would an avowed anti-gun secularist celebrate this momentum victory? -- momentous victory if. ♪-- victory? >> freedom is say gift from god. >> god bless these united states. >> in jesus name and the name of all that is holy. >> let us join together in prayer. >> let us pray heavenly father. >> jesus christ, my lord and savior. >> may god bless you all. >> we pray for your blessing. >> l'chaim. >> jon: who let that guy in there?t t l l[cheers and applause]
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>> jon: welcome back. barack obama first inauguration in 2009, his inauguration was an historic event. how did yesterday's compare to someone who has been to sphwhoaj john oliver reports. >> four years ago two million people were on the national mall to witness the historic inauguration of barack obama. and i was there.
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yes! and now four years later, i had returned. i'm right back here in exactly the same spot as last time! the atmosphere, the energy here is electric. [ laughter ] we can move closer. we can walk closer than this. let's just walk. okay. so it was off to a slow start. we have have the right day today, right? this is it? we can pick it up. we can really move. i was expecting a few more people than this. >> just wait around. you'll see. they coming. >> this feels a bit more like an ultimate frisbee signup. this is nice. >> slightly less people than in 2009 but they more than made up for it with enthusiasm. how excited are you to be here? >> i'm tired. >> yay!
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>> yay! >> yay! >> last time it felt like an historic event. this one feels more like a constitutionally mandated process. >> ah, i would say so. >> what was wrong with these people? 2009 they understood the scale of what is happening. >> for me it's the most historic event that is happening. >> number one. >> number one in terms of history of the world. it's better than the moon landing, way better than the moon landing. >> how is it possible that weapon went from that to the 45th shuttle run in just four years? >> it feels kind of exciting now. not as exciting as last time. >> it wasn't as exciting as it was the first time. normally the first time when you love a woman it's not the same when you love her the second time. >> the first time you are with a woman you are thinking i can't believe this is happening.
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>> and reality sets in. >> and the second time you are thinking oh, you're still here. rate this day in history. >> not bad. >> it's not like the signing of independence or anything like thank but it's still huge. >> not the emancipation prok laition. >> but it's big, it's number three. >> >> the berlin wall coming down would be important. it was a huge change. >> the berlin wall was more important to today? >> i would say. >> what is more appointment than this? >> tiger woods winning. >> pga tournament. >> the first time an african-american man won a major in golf? >> yes. >> to be fair it hadn't started yet. once it began they soon get swept away. >> the 4 4th president of the united states of america about a
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barack h. obama. >> nice try, schumer, we know what his middle name is. and the wisdom of one reporter who prove sized this so clearly back in 2009. is it exciting? yes! people of course i am. do they realize it glet absolutely not. you can't capture lightning in a bottle twice. it was an amazing day. a major moment in u.s. history. it was just slightly less catchy than last time obama, first african-american president elected for the second time! first african-american president elected for the second[cheers a]
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>> jon: our guest tonight singer, dancer, actress, new movie is called "parker." >> people tell me i'm sharp, very sharm. people come down here for one reason: money. i don't know what you are into, kidnapping, extortion, robbery but whatever it is, you're gonna get caught. >> take off your clothes. >> what?
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>> i'm not sure if i'm better off with you alive or dead either way i have to know if you are wearing a wire. >> jon: please welcome jennifer lopez. [cheers and applause] how are you? >> hello! >> jon: welcome. >> thank you. thank you. >> jon: it's nice to see you. >> so do we -- this way, this way? does it matter. >> jon: where you want to look? >> no, i don't know. i feel like this but you're there. >> jon: let me show you what we do. [ laughter ] >> i don't want you to feel ignore. >> jon: i will not feel ignored in anyway. i expect to be ignored by a woman like yourself. >> never that. never that. >> jon: i'm used to this since i was 14. have you ever performed for the president of the united states in your life? >> no, i have not.
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>> jon: what is the most nerve wracking performance you have had to do in your lifetime, would you say? >> i was asked to perform for the president at his house. >> jon: what? >> no, no, not that at the white house. [cheers and applause] they warned me about you. [ laughter ] >> jon: this must have been during the clinton administration. [ laughter ] >> no, no new york city. -- no, no, no. it was nerve wracking to even think about it. i couldn't do it actually because i was doing something else. i think i was on a film or something so i couldn't do it but the idea of it it was like oh, my god what do you do when you go there. >> jon: there's a controversy now. beyonce sang that beautiful rendition at the inauguration. it's her voice she just prerecorded it. >> sure. >> jon: as a performer is that considered an acceptable thing for you? >> sometimes it happens in
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certain stadiums or venues they prerecord things because you have the terrible flat back and -- you know? >> jon: sure the flat back. >> people do it. if i remember correctly. i could be wrong so -- >> jon: you are going to whitney houston 1991. >> she was also record. everybody loved it. it was a huge hit, but i think it was, too. >> jon: i would also think as somebody who dances as well you have to do that sometimes because you are running around and you are out of breathe unless right now asking that question: i'm winded. [ laughter ] >> right. sometimes. you do. all performers have to do it at some point. yeah. >> jon: me as well. >> you record the jokes just in case. >> jon: no, nobody cares. we prerecord the heckles. [ laughter ] what about this? back to the action. when do you -- or maybe you don't sleep. you are coming off the world
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tour. you are doing the movies you have -- what is it twins? >> yes, i have twins. >> jon: how old are the twins? >> they are going to be five next month. they are getting so big. >> jon: how do you go on a world tour with two kids? do they go with you? >> yes. i had never been on a world tour. i toward but never the whole entire world. his to sign on for like seven months. and the thought of just doing the tour for me was like oh, my god this is daunting. i don't know if i should do this and thinking about it with the babies how are they going to hold up but we had a great time. >> jon: are they decent traveler? >> they are great travelers. they are better travelers. sometimes we would forget. they take it so good and the bags and we're tired ant shows and the whole thing and the asked jewel very, very demanding and they'd would be like --
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sometimes they get cranky and ah, he's act up. you feel like crap how do you think he feels. four years old. >> jon: i love traveling with kids because no matter wrl you go you can sew whatever you want to bring home into the inside of their clothes. >> didn't occur to america vile toll remember that. >> jon: they are rarely check children. >> it's all of. >> jon: it is all of. the energy you take from that, is it too jarring to go back to film? is film too slow for you now? has your perspective changed doing one form versus another? >> it's funny because it's a type of thing where you are doing the tour all adrenalin all the time. it's a totally different pace. but when you go back to a film you enjoy that pace as well. it's much slower is. there's a lot of downtime in between setup and takes. i get to back and forth. it's really nice.
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>> jon: let me tell you. you on american idol you were really good with that. you gave them nice and you were nicely -- where steven tyler would not make sense you really -- [ laughter ] i thought you really made sense. >> thank you. >> jon: so that was nice. you made a sense and he was like dee. exactly. parker good flick? >> it's a good flick. good action flick. good drawma. it's like out of the sight and transporter had a baby and it's parker. you would love it. qt-x
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